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It sucks when you really want to hold onto the person that is hurting you. Leaving a toxic relationship when you still love them can feel impossible.  It’s like having a pet porcupine that you have a love-hate relationship with because it pricks you every time you’re trying to show it affection.  

Maybe a bad analogy but you get it. You can be in love with someone and the relationship can still be toxic. Toxic relationships, especially, are tricky to leave because they can suck you in so hard.

So here’s the million dollar question: how to leave a toxic relationship when you still love them? You’re in love but in constant pain and you’re unhappy. I get it.

People always say if your relationship is bad, then just walk away! But it’s not simple when feelings and emotions are involved, right? 

I’ve come up with some strategies that helped me finally leave my own toxic relationship so I hope they will help you too. If you know you are in a toxic relationship, please get yourself out of there. 

Holding onto trash just keeps you from finding your treasure, sis! 

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You Still Love Them

Begin Emotionally Detaching

It will be easier to walk away if you aren’t so emotionally attached to your partner.

Even though the relationship is toxic, I’m sure you have your good moments. That’s why it’s so hard to just leave! 

You are going to have to get used to not having your guy around to text and share your day with. You will have to get used to not having him to talk to. You’re just prepping yourself for the breakup, girl. 

Start texting him a little less during the day. Stop cuddling up to him every night and cuddle with yourself. I am basically telling you to get a little colder. 

Yea, he may see a change but we aren’t worried about that. We are trying to get you out of a toxic relationship so we do what we have to do. 

The thought of a breakup won’t be as bad when you aren’t so emotionally invested in him. 

Sometimes things just aren’t meant to work out no matter how much we want them to. 

Begin telling yourself that a breakup is necessary and that you will do it. 

Realize You Deserve Better

You have to realize your worth, babe. 

You don’t deserve to be mistreated, disrespected or spoken down to. Especially not by the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. 

If this relationship has you emotionally numb, constantly upset, crying your eyes out after yet another fight or changed you into someone you don’t recognize, it’s time to bounce. It is time to fucking go. 

I remember this one night I was literally sobbing on the floor holding my dog after my ex threatened to throw all my stuff out. I was in New York at the time and he was in Massachusetts so I was STRESSED out. I remember sitting there desperately trying to understand why he was like this. 

It was such a low point for me and I honestly hated him in that moment. Your boyfriend should not be purposely trying to hurt you and make your life miserable. 

There is a man out there who will love you right and will build a healthy, solid relationship with you. Don’t you want that? 

It’s a breath of fresh air. Dating kind men after my breakup was kinda shocking to me because I was so used to a toxic environment. 

You mean a guy won’t always yell and call you names when you disagree about something? Lol it was a new concept to me…but nice. 

Listen to me when I say you need to let go of this shitty relationship to find your amazing one. Trust.

Stop Making Excuses for Bad Behavior 

When we love someone we are constantly making excuses for them. We start to accept clearly unacceptable behavior. 

We let things slide, forgive too much, and rationalize which only reinforces their behavior. 

It’s my fault for making him mad….He just cursed me out because he’s having a bad day…He said he was sorry for hurting me…

I have heard all the excuses in the book but at the end of the day…they are still EXCUSES. 

Your partner is being mean, hurtful, or disrespectful and you need to face that. 

You have to be honest with yourself. Are you actually happy? Is this your forever person? If there are trust issues, cheating, fighting, poor communication, and all these other toxic qualities, why are you fighting to stay? 

A good partner will not make you feel miserable, unloved, uncomfortable or depressed. The excuses have to stop and you need to hold your partner accountable for their actions. 

Take off your love goggles and look at things objectively. Is this the kind of relationship you would be proud to talk to your grandmother about? Would you want your future daughter to be in a relationship like yours? 

Dating someone is like collecting information about them until you decide if you guys are compatible. You have the data, girl. You have the receipts. You have the history. 

Now, think about what you’ve seen and decide if this is the person for you. 

Take Back Your Power

Do you really want to deal with this bullshit for the rest of your life? You may feel stuck in your relationship, controlled by your partner or tied to the relationship by history, kids, guilt, etc. 

But you are in control of your life, not him! 

If your partner is not fulfilling your needs in a relationship, it is you who has to decide that you want more.

Toxic men tear you down and pick at your self-worth until you’re left feeling helpless and trapped. Keep this in mind the next time your guy says you’ll never find anyone better than him. It’s all a mind game. 

They want you to believe you are powerless so they can control you. But seriously fuck them!

You have the freedom to make your own decisions. Love is not enough for a relationship to work. Empower yourself to find the courage to leave.  

Face Your Insecurities

So you know the relationship is unhealthy and you love this person but what else is keeping you there? 

Love isn’t proving to be enough to make you happy so why are you staying? 

It’s time to be honest with yourself, girl, so you can overcome those fears and insecurities.

For me, I was terrified of being single and lonely. I thought no one else would ever want me. Thanks to him drilling that insane idea in my head might I add!! 

Don’t stay in a shitty relationship just because you are comfortable and familiar with it. Yes, even misery can feel more safe than breaking things off and having to experience something new. 

I want you to open a note on your phone and write down some of your fears about breaking things off. 

Are you scared you’ll never find someone else? 

Does a breakup make you feel like a failure? 

Are you upset by the thought of him being with someone else? 

Get out your fears so you can refute them! After you think about your fears, write down the opposite statement. Come up with an affirming statement that a therapist or coach would say.

Of course, you will find someone else. There are 289 billion people in the world!

Breaking up is not a failure! You are winning if you leave a shitty relationship!

Who cares if he is with someone else? You’ll be off living your best life without him.

Face those insecurities you have so you can slash them in half. They can’t sit with us. 

Accept That the Breakup Will Suck

Maybe you are putting off walking away because you know the breakup is going to hurt like a mofo. But honestly staying in a toxic relationship is far worse than a breakup. 

Toxic relationships can break your spirit, shatter your self-esteem and affect your mental health. You can even be traumatized and haunted by the abuse once the relationship is over. The longer you stay, the more damage is done. 

You are here reading this post, babe. So you know you need to break things off! You can do it. 

The pain from a breakup does not last forever as long as you heal yourself properly. 

Also, don’t focus so much on the breakup. Focus on how much happier you’ll be without constant toxicity in your life. Take it from me, you don’t realize how much being around a miserable person affects your own mindset. 

Once I was out of my relationship and could think clearly for myself without my constant nagging, criticism and insults, I was like “THIS IS AMAZING”

Life is better when you are mentally and emotionally happy. Being single is the upgrade, girl! 

Stop Waiting For Him to Change

Hi!! This is your wakeup call, babe. 

He isn’t going to magically change no matter how many shooting stars you wish on, long paragraph texts you send or how many times he promises he will. 

Talk is so freakin’ cheap. Guys tend to say whatever you want to hear to shut you up in the moment with absolutely no follow up. The same behavior that is making you crazy right now will continue to make you crazy. 

You can either accept that now or keep hope alive for a change that’s not coming until you’re right back to “we need to break up” 

A real man will keep his word and make the necessary changes to make his woman happy. People only change if they want to. It’s pretty simple when it comes down to it. You can’t change people. You can inspire them to change. Or influence them to make better choices. 

But at the end of the day, they are the ones choosing how to behave. So stop making it your responsibility to change your boyfriend. 

It’s not your job to fix him! You are not a rehabilitation center. You are not a therapist equipped to take on the challenge of an apathetic man. 

You’re just a girl who wants to be in love and happy. When you’re in the right relationship things will be so much easier, babe. You won’t have to fight and beg and plead for a man to treat you right because he will want to all on his own.  

Accept That the Breakup Will Suck

Maybe you are putting off walking away because you know the breakup is going to hurt like a mofo. But honestly staying in a toxic relationship is far worse than a breakup. 

Toxic relationships can break your spirit, shatter your self-esteem and affect your mental health. You can even be traumatized and haunted by abuse once the relationship is over. The longer you stay, the more damage is done. 

You are here reading this post, babe. So you know you need to break things off! You can do it. 

The pain from a breakup does not last forever as long as you heal yourself properly. 

Also, don’t focus so much on the potential pain of the breakup. Focus on how much happier you’ll be without constant toxicity in your life. Take it from me, you don’t realize how much being around a miserable person affects your own mindset. 

Once I was out of my relationship and could think clearly for myself without my constant nagging, criticism and insults, I was like “THIS IS AMAZING”

Life is better when you are mental and emotionally happy. Being single is the upgrade, girl! 

Say Goodbye

Sometimes your heart needs some time to accept what your mind already knows is best for you. If your relationship isn’t working, there is no reason to keep dragging it out. 

Rip off the band-aid so you can start healing. The way I look at it, the longer you stay the more difficult it becomes to leave. 

If you are having a really hard time initiating the breakup, you don’t have to do it face-to-face. Now, I’m not saying that you should text them “later gator” and never talk to them again lol 

But it’s perfectly fine to convey what you need to say in a letter, email or over the phone. 

Doing it in person can lead to makeup sex, guilt trips or arguments. Not what we want. 

So do what is best for you and leave however you feel most comfortable. Make it up in your mind that the breakup is coming. You are ready for bigger and better things. Be selfish. Protect yourself.

If this person was putting you first, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now. Choose you and rescue yourself from this toxic relationship. 

Work with a Breakup Coach

If you need help breaking the emotional ties keeping you in your relationship or help with finding the courage to finally walk away, consider hiring a breakup coach AKA me! 

You can check out my services and inquire if you are interested in working together. 

As your coach, I help you realize your self-worth and empower you to make the best decisions for your life. I left my own toxic relationship and now dedicate myself to helping others do the same. 

I know just how hard it is to break the toxic cycle but the first step is deciding that you want to get out for good. 

Contact me to set up a free 10-minute consultation to see how we can get you free from your toxic relationship and channel your inner sparkle again. 

I put in WORK on this post lol so I hope that it inspires you to let go of the toxic person in your life. I hope it gave some insight on how to leave a toxic relationship when you still them.

Chase your glow, babe. If this relationship is taking away that light that makes you special then RUN! 

Much love always,

Kay xo

breakup advice toxic relationships