Okay babe, we need to talk.
You know when you spend literally an hour on an email that should take five minutes? Or when you refuse to try something new because you’re scared to fail? Yeah, that’s what we’re dealing with today.
I’m calling you out because I see you—and honestly, I see myself. Perfectionism has been a problem for me since I was six years old, and it’s time we had a breakup conversation.
Here’s what I wish someone had told me earlier: perfectionism isn’t actually about being perfect. It’s about being scared. It’s about feeling like you’re not worthy unless you’re successful. And it’s time to learn how to stop being a perfectionist so you can live your life to the fullest!
What Really Causes This Perfectionist Mess
My mom knew I was going to be a hot-mess perfectionist when my first-grade teacher wrote her a note saying I was “too hard on myself.” At six! Can you imagine? While other kids were eating glue, I was already my own worst enemy.
Where This All Starts
Most of us perfectionist girlies can trace this back to childhood. Maybe your parents only celebrated A’s, or you learned that being “the smart kid” got you the most attention and praise.
For me, being hard on myself was just… normal. It got worse in high school, where a B would genuinely ruin my entire week. I definitely got validation from academic success, so when I didn’t meet my set standard, it was a punch to the gut. 😫
Society’s Perfectionism Problem
We’re living in a world that’s obsessed with perfection. Instagram feeds full of flawless lives, LinkedIn posts about “crushing it,” and everyone acting like they have it together 24/7. Even our language is messed up—we say people “failed” instead of “tried something new.”
The Fear Behind It All
Perfectionism is just fear with better marketing. We’re scared of:
- Not being good enough
- People judging us
- Looking stupid
- Being “found out” as frauds
- Disappointing ourselves, parents, friends (your dog too, jk—but you get it)
I got so scared of criticism that I’d avoid sharing my work completely. Why risk feedback when it might confirm that voice in my head saying I’m not good enough?
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
Before we fix this, let’s name what we’re dealing with. Perfectionism isn’t having high standards—it’s that voice that says “not good enough” no matter what you do.
It shows up as:
- Procrastinating because you’re scared of doing something wrong
- Spending way too much time on tasks that don’t need it
- Feeling anxious when plans change
- Constantly comparing yourself to others (thanks, Instagram)
- Not trusting anyone else to do things “right”
If you’re nodding along, welcome to the club nobody wanted to join.
The Different Types of Perfectionism
Not all perfectionism looks the same. Here are the main types:
Self-Oriented Perfectionism: You’re brutal to yourself. You set impossible standards and beat yourself up when you don’t meet them.
Other-Oriented Perfectionism: You expect perfection from everyone else—your partner, friends, coworkers. Nobody can meet your standards, and relationships suffer.
Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: You think everyone expects you to be perfect. This leads to major anxiety and people-pleasing.
I was definitely a mix of self-oriented and socially prescribed perfectionism. I was judging myself and thought everyone expected me to be this smart, amazing, always “on it” person. Tough combo, I know.
Why Your Perfectionism Is Actually Holding You Back
Where It Hurts: How Perfectionism Messes With You
Mental Health: Hello anxiety, depression, and burnout
Relationships: Nobody can meet your impossible standards
Work: Procrastination and missed deadlines (ironic, right?)
Self-Worth: Your value depends on what you achieve
Fun: Fear of failure kills creativity and joy
Perfectionism and anxiety are basically besties. Your nervous system stays in panic mode when you’re constantly worried about messing up. It’s exhausting, unsustainable, and will eventually lead to a life of playing small.
How This Becomes Self-Sabotage
Plot twist: perfectionism doesn’t make us better—it makes us stuck. As an adult, my perfectionism has kept me from putting my business out there because I’m terrified of failing. I’ve skipped trying new hobbies because I hate looking dumb while learning. I’ve said no to opportunities because I wasn’t “qualified enough.”
The messed-up part? By trying to avoid failure and judgment, I was guaranteeing I’d never actually succeed or grow.
It’s kinda funny when you think about it. I want to succeed so badly that I don’t try at all—because I don’t want to fail. So, the idea of being perfect is really just keeping you from reaching your true goals. BIG SIGH.
Don’t worry though, girl—we can overcome perfectionism. More on that in a second.
How to Spot If You’re Stuck in Perfectionist Mode
You might be a perfectionist if:
- You regularly work late because your first attempt “isn’t good enough”
- Plan changes genuinely stress you out
- You can’t celebrate wins because you immediately think about what could be better
- You avoid new things because you might not be amazing immediately
- Compliments make you uncomfortable because you know all the flaws
I’ve avoided speaking up at meetings even when I had a good idea because I was afraid of stumbling over a word. Like, just the thought of speaking caused me serious anxiety. That’s when I knew I had a problem.
How to Actually Stop Being a Perfectionist
Now that we understand what’s driving your perfectionism, let’s talk about how to actually change these patterns. It’s time to stop being your own worst enemy!
Fair warning: this isn’t about flipping a switch—it’s about rewiring your brain through consistent, intentional practice.
1. Get Good at Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is literally the antidote to perfectionism. Instead of being your worst enemy, become your own best friend.
The three parts of self-compassion:
- Be kind to yourself
- Remember you’re human
- Stay present with your thoughts without judging them
Next time you mess up, ask: “What would I tell my best friend right now?” Then say that to yourself.
2. Challenge Your Perfectionist Brain
Your thoughts aren’t facts—even though they feel like it. Learning to question your perfectionist thinking is basically a superpower.
Try a thought record:
- Is this helpful or just mean?
- What proof do I have that it’s true? What proof do I have that it’s not?
- What would I say to a friend who said this?
- What’s a more balanced way to see this?
Perfectionist Thoughts vs. Reality Checks
“If I can’t do it perfectly, why bother?” → “Done is better than perfect, and I can improve later”
“Everyone else has it figured out” → “Everyone struggles—they just don’t post about it”
“This mistake proves I’m a failure” → “This mistake teaches me something valuable”
“I should handle everything perfectly” → “It’s normal to have limits and ask for help”
Try screenshotting this and keeping it handy. You’re not broken—you just need to retrain the voice in your head.
3. Embrace “Good Enough” Energy
Not everything needs to be a masterpiece. Sometimes “good enough” is actually perfect.
- Use the 80% rule: If it’s 80% of what you wanted, call it done
- Set timers for tasks you usually obsess over
- Ask, “So what?” What’s the worst that would actually happen?
I’ve had to force myself to post videos that weren’t my best. Guess what? The world didn’t end—and the algorithm even liked them.
4. Change Your Relationship with Mistakes
Mistakes = growth. Always.
Ways to practice:
- Keep a “failure resume”
- Celebrate effort, not just outcomes
- Say “yet” instead of “I can’t do this”
- Think like a scientist: your life is an experiment, not a performance
5. Set Attainable Goals
Use SMART goals:
- Specific
- Measurable
- Achievable
- Relevant
- Time-bound
Instead of “I’ll go viral,” try “I’ll post 3x a week.” Small wins add up.
6. Practice Strategic Imperfection
This sounds wild, but doing things imperfectly on purpose is so healing.
- Send one email without over-editing
- Post a photo that’s not perfectly curated
- Set a timer and stop when it dings—even if it’s not “finished”
7. Build Your Tolerance for Discomfort
Your perfectionism may actually be a low tolerance for feeling uncomfortable. Let’s fix that.
- Breathe through the urge to keep tweaking
- Try cold water or movement to calm your body
- Say out loud: “This doesn’t need to be perfect”
8. Redefine What Success Looks Like
New success metrics to live by:
- Effort over outcome
- Progress over perfection
- Courage over comfort
- Authenticity over approval
Every night, jot down 3 wins—even if they’re tiny. “I answered that email” counts. Seriously.
Can You Still Have High Standards Without Being a Perfectionist?
Absolutely! There’s a huge difference between healthy striving and perfectionism:
Healthy striving:
- Focuses on growth and learning
- Accepts mistakes and setbacks as part of the process
- Celebrates progress and effort
- Doesn’t attach success or failure to self worth
Perfectionism:
- Focuses on flawless outcomes
- Views setbacks as personal failures
- Only celebrates “perfect” results
- Sets unrealistic goals
You can work hard and have high standards without torturing yourself.
Your Beautiful, Messy, Imperfect Life Is Waiting
You don’t have to earn your worth with achievement. You don’t have to impress everyone to matter.
This week, try:
- Practicing “good enough” in one area
- Setting a timer for something you obsess over
- Sharing something imperfect
- Showing yourself kindness when things don’t go as planned
Progress, not perfection, babe. You don’t have to transform overnight—that would be pretty perfectionist of you, wouldn’t it?
You deserve a life filled with messy adventures, imperfect moments, and the freedom to just be human. Send the email with a typo. Post the blurry selfie. Try the weird recipe.
Because your beautifully imperfect life is already enough.
This article is for informational purposes and not a substitute for professional mental health advice. If perfectionism is seriously affecting your life, please speak to a licensed therapist.
