Reasons You Stay in a Toxic Relationship and Why You Need to Leave Anyway
April 5, 2020Does this sound familiar?
Things are great one day but terrible the next. You go from telling each other I love you to ignoring each other for a couple of days. Arguments start and end all the time and you’re always anticipating the next fallout.
Although, things are terrible, something is keeping you in the relationship. You have reasons you stay in a toxic relationship, whether you care to admit or not.
I would fight with my ex so much that it was exhausting. It was an endless cycle of breakups and makeups that I desperately wanted to end. I just did not understand why we could not be happy.
Related Post: Lessons Learned From My Toxic 4-Year Relationship
Every relationship will have its rough patches and every couple will have disagreements, but the intensity and frequency we would fight were completely unhealthy. Every other week I would be sad or angry because we were fighting and not talking to each other.
If this does sound familiar, I am here to tell you to get off that emotional roller coaster of a relationship. It is not fair to yourself to put yourself through such torment. It is easy to justify the bad times with the good. “Oh yea we fight a lot but I love him. Oh, yea we aren’t talking right now but next week will be better. Oh yea he makes me mad, but he also makes me happy”
There are guys out there who will not constantly hurt your feelings, pick fights over stupid stuff and can communicate maturely about issues in the relationship.
My current philosophy is if you have to question if a behavior is toxic or it usually is! I no longer make excuses for unacceptable behavior because I don’t want to admit that I am being mistreated.
Related Post: 21 Warning Signs You are In a Toxic Relationship
Toxic behaviors can come in so many forms ranging from bad to awful
I spent all my college years in an incredibly toxic relationship that I thankfully got out of more than a year ago. I realized how bad it was and knew that I was miserable yet I stayed with my ex much longer than I should have. Why? Because it is so easy to make excuses and live in denial rather than face reality.
It is easy to tell you to get out of a toxic relationship but we both know leaving is easier than done.
My friends told me, my college roommate told me, my mom told me…literally everyone important in my life told me that I was in a toxic relationship and that I needed to end things yet I held on to my ex like goofy on a clown.
In the end, YOU have to be the one to finally decide this is not what you want for yourself.
If you are anything like me, you may have some thoughts that keep you from ending things. Some stem from hope, others from fear but either way we are going to overcome them and see why the best thing for you is to leave your toxic ex in the dust.
You can do it. You are strong and deserve someone who wants to be his best self for you. Here are some reasons you stay in a toxic relationship and why they are just false traps keeping you in a bad situation!
Related Post: 3 Things You Must Do After Leaving A Toxic Relationship
You Think Things Will Get Better
When things are bad we tend to think that they can get better. In theory, yes it is a possibility that things will change but it is unlikely that it will. We think back to the honeymoon phase of the relationship and how great things were and how kind he was and hold on to that little piece of hope that things will get better or go back to how it once was.
I am going to pop that bubble for you. It is time to leave La La Land and come back to reality, hun. Things are not going to get better. This is a relationship that you need to completely get out of.
If you really think things will get better and your partner is willing to change, get proof. You need to see actual concrete changes and effort put forth. If you guys are fighting every day and communication is a problem, give him 3 chances to talk to you calmly rather than argue with you about something.
I talked to my ex again and again and again about his anger issues.
Each time we made up he promised me that he would work on his temper yet by year 5 of our relationship his temper was the worst it had ever been. If you don’t see a change in behavior, it is time for you to go.
When you allow someone to constantly overstep boundaries, they learn how far they can push you. A guy will keep doing whatever he wants to you if he feels confident that you will stay no matter what.
Take it from me, it is not going to get better. Some relationships should be worked on and fought for but if you are being disrespected in a relationship…what the hell are you fighting for?
Related Post: F*ck Your Ex Breakup Workbook
You Can Change Him
I would be significantly less damaged if I had accepted this earlier on. It is not your job to try to fix your significant other. It’s not your responsibility to help him overcome his anger issues, immaturity or {insert personality flaw here}.
When you have to put so much energy into a relationship to keep the peace, that is NOT IT. By all means, relationships take effort and hard work to maintain but we should be putting our energy into making healthy relationships work.
A guy that calls you names, cancels dates and fights with you every other day is not good enough for you. I want you to understand me when I say this very important message. I want you to write it on a post-it and stick it on your mirror and see it every day. I need you to believe this.
You. Cannot. Change. Someone. Who. Does. Not. Want. To. Change.
I can’t stress this enough. You will be miserable if you are constantly trying to make someone into the person you want them to be. My ex would get angry and proceed to call me every name in the book. He even would go as far as to call me racial slurs.
Instead of accepting that this behavior was completely unacceptable, I told myself “Oh I can teach him that is not okay” and “Oh he will change when he sees how badly he’s hurting me,”
No!!
If a grown man thinks it is okay to call his girl a cunt then that behavior has already been indoctrinated into him long before he has met you. As our relationship progressed, his explosions and verbal abuse only became worse.
You should not be at the mercy at someone’s bad or abusive habits. You are not his parent. Or his therapist. Or his whipping board.
You are not responsible for teaching him how to function in a relationship. Cut that mofo go because when you finally do and you are no longer emotionally drained all the time and can actually breathe again, you will wonder why the fuck you let yourself be treated like that.
I know it is super easy to tell someone to get out of a relationship. My friends did, my college roommate did, my mom did…literally everyone important in my life had told me that I was in a toxic relationship and that I needed to end things yet I held on to my ex like goofy on a clown.
You have to be the one finally decide this is not what you want for yourself. You can do it. You are strong and deserve someone who wants to be his best self for you.
You Won’t Find Anyone Else
Please stop. No, seriously, stop. You are being so ridiculous! What exactly would stop you from finding someone else?
You are beautiful and smart and full of personality. You are a whole catch and there is definitely someone out there who will treat you like the queen you are.
You got with this guy you are with now so it is not like it is impossible! Do not let the fear of being alone stop you from leaving a toxic relationship. The negatives of this relationship far outweigh the company that your boyfriend provides.
Your self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth are under attack when you are constantly torn down by someone who is supposed to build you up.
We are not here to settle. We do not give up on ourselves. We do not lose hope that there is something better out there. Trust me, there is!
You just have to finally let go of the familiar, find your courage and in time get back out there.
You Put in So Much Time with This Person and Don’t Want to Start Over
Let’s think about this one. A long time investment in someone is not an excuse to remain in a bad relationship. I don’t care how long you have been together. 1 month, 1 year, 1 decade. There is no amount of time that makes it okay for someone to mistreat or disrespect you.
With this flawed thinking, the longer you stay in a bad relationship, the more you will feel like you have “wasted your time” when you consider ending things.
Instead of thinking of a failed relationship as a waste of time, appreciate the lessons you have learned from it. You know what behaviors you are not going to tolerate. You know how you do not want to be treated. You have a better idea of the man you do want.
Starting over with a new person can seem daunting especially if you have been with one person for a while. You have to go through the getting to know you phase all over again and date and slowly build intimacy.
But isn’t the thought kinda exciting? Finding the right guy who will be in a healthy relationship with you? Treat you with kindness? The one who will be dedicated to making you smile instead of cry?
I firmly believe there is someone out there for everybody but you can’t find them if you are holding on to the wrong person.
Like always, if you ever want to talk or cry or rant or vent, reach out to me at kay@breathehustleglow.com
I pour my heart into these posts and would honestly love to hear from you they help you in any way.
Know your worth, babe. Then add tax, shipping & handling and processing fees! 😉
Keep glowin’,
Kay ????
